I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
