Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
