what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
