Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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