man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
