Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
