I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
