Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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