do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
