you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
