so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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