Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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