I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
