We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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