oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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