She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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