I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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