They should really pass out barf bags in church
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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