I can text with my tongue
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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