there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
