this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
its liver damage thursday
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