Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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