Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
