She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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