Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
