chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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