I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
