Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
