we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
