The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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