I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
