Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
