god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i now understand why vodka
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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