I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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