I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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