Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
