so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
