saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
