so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
