how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
