I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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