my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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