I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
