Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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