She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
