Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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