I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
