I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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