Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
