I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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