No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The Olympian is in my bed
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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