Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
