i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
