My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
