I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize