who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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