why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
