My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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