Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
