Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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