And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You have to summon your inner elephant
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
