Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
