omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
