so explain again why im purple
no
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
